Anyone who has lost someone dear to them often struggles with questions that are often left unanswered. There are so many whys that can fill the head of a person who is grieving. Why them? Why my child? Why did it happen when it did?
What if I had answered the phone? What if I had driven them home? What if I had said to look both ways? Why?
What if I had taken them to the doctor sooner? What if I had called an ambulance? What if I had said I loved them just one more time? Would it have made a difference? It should have made a difference. Why didn’t they find it sooner? Why didn’t I notice it sooner? Why?
Could I have prevented it some how? Why couldn’t it be me instead of them? It should have been me. Not them. It should have been me. Why?
Why didn’t I see the depression? Why didn’t I notice that they were struggling so much? Why didn’t I notice that they were getting bullied at school? Why didn’t I notice that their personality was changing? Why didn’t I notice? Why?
Did they know that I loved them? Did they know that I was proud of them? Did they know that they meant the world to me? Did they notice that when they were alive? That they were my everything?
Why can’t I let them go? I know that they are gone but why can’t I let it go? Why can’t I sleep at night? Why can’t I stop dreaming about them? Why can’t I stop thinking about that date as if it is circled in blood-red on my brain? Why?
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© Kristalin Davis and Kristalin Davis’ Musings on the Human Condition, 2017-2018.